A Person I Used to Know could comprehend the difficult realities of her individual life but the lives of others was hard for her to relate in a personal manner. She could support. She could encourage. She could motivate. But more was still lacking in herself.
For the experiences of her immediate life had subjected her to much witnessing of: oppressions, depressions, suffering, economical surviving, financial incompetence and emotional deprivation. Alot of unhealthy immaturity from adults who should have knew or learned better!
The production of events she experienced in these childhood and youthful submissions while as a delicate and impressionable development ages deprived the basic necessities of life. She grew to realize that she had no clue of who she was or who she could be.
The unhealthy environment she was natured and nurtured in was not in the specific boundaries of her immediate family abuse she endured; but it was all the harmful religious concepts she witnessed around her and learning that injustices did occur to children by society with ineffective laws that failed to protect her and other children.
This experience created many mixed reviews, emotional defending, and a huge lack of sharing trust to anyone. She had not only witnessed the worst of primary examples of what not to be and survived them - but she also felt that she never fit in.
Finding her voice, her place and making sense of so much non-sense was beyond what education could even help her through at times of her life.
She didn't fit in with the educated - even tho - she could speak their language to hold a conversation but could never really help them understand the problems that do exist in this world to solve them.
She didn't fit in with the oppressors, depressors, and those of suffering who suffered more because of their choices to heal them self using what ever they could find.
For she saw their problems - but yet would internally secretly deny her own. By seeking to help others understand the life she had experienced in survival and seeing others in oppressions as having a problem that required solutions with awareness, prevention and effectiveness to solve their issues; she escaped her own internal instabilities.
It did not make her a bad person but it made her a very chaotic, in stable, immature, irrational, defensive, and stubborn person that burnt many bridges in her life with others. This person I share to speak about was me.
For the core that I needed to be myself was never taught, catered to maturity, or appreciated where I stood in life. Not by family,friends, loved ones, religion or in the educational system for many years.
Only bits and pieces of puzzles along the way that gave me just enough hope, insight, happiness, security, trust, truth, and facts of education of good experiences to keep moving forward in my life but never enough of these external pleasures to fill her completely within when she was alone in the thoughts, emotions, and internal consumptions of her own mind.
For the damages done within me of external deprivations produced internal instabilities with medical conditions that produced real and factual scientific and medical symptoms inside of me and it was alot to endure, take as fact of who I was and even harder to find effective solutions or treatments to counteract or find balance from all the damage within me.
In being a fact seeker and self-researcher all of my life to help myself; I eventually gained the education I needed to get me on the internal path I want to be on.
The stability I would need inside to stop panic attacks, fear, anxieties, compulsive worries, and my heart racing. The endless hours of crying have now stopped. Tears are in my control and that is something I have never had in my life until learning now a tool that has given me a control inside that no one can take from me.
I found what I needed to stop the damaging of triggers produced by my 5 senses from trauma I endured. Every thing I see, hear, smell, taste, and touch now is not a constant traumatic reminder of events in my life that I had no control over but an empowering new experience that I control.
The internal peace I have found has taken away the emotional instabilities and symptom productions in my brain and internal body. I got so tired of emotional defending my life upon deaf ears and in doing so - as I did years past - it only complicated my symptoms. Now it not defending; only sharing.
All of my former self has now been replaced with more open mind perceptions, concepts and notions that perhaps - I am right and you are right. That we both are wrong and that sometimes there is no solutions or no compromises in every situation. But the broader window I use to view myself and the world around me with, has grounded me in who I am truly and factually am of complete acceptance.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy - http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/ - was my saving education to get me on the path to emotional learning and emotional nurturing and opening in the window of my mind to move past my own experiences and allowing those emotions to breath in peace now.
To let the bad I experienced become a new strength without emotional or symptom conflicts. To set a goal and achieve it. To sit peacefully and do nothing at all but enjoy the calm within.
For DBT taught me how to open myself up to the possibilities that I am imperfect too. That I can not be a teacher, mentor, humane example of anything in life without first, learning how to be kind to myself when in the solitude of thoughts of my own mind.
I went to therapy yesterday and spent the afternoon enjoying myself in hobbies that I embrace daily.
To hear the word: "Progress"; from a professional therapist, doctor, or anyone is a wonderful feeling. It would be the equal of an employee hearing: "Promoted!" or a student hear they "Passed."
Since I have sought, done, did, and still continue to progress every day in my life. I know the bitter taste of accomplishment and the hard work that goes into making progress or effectiveness happen.
I know the self-motivation it does require for anyone to move past their oppressions, depressions, and abuses to simply go on with their life.
I finally freaking get that now and it feels wonderful. I do not have to ponder if I fit in ever again. I'll accept anyone as long as they are mature, healthy and problem solvers. But that is who I choose to be now.
I spent many wasted years upon the immature, unhealthy and problem creators. I only want to help others who wish to address their problems with maturity, healthiness and a personal drive that helps their situation and not hurt them self anymore.
I will never ponder again in unhealthiness or immature thoughts and emotions anymore. I respect views different than my own for their own experiences gave them lessons and mistakes - just as mine own did - and their education of experiences is valuable too. But we must seek to become problem solvers instead of problem creators and this is so important in one's self especially when they have a medical condition.
Even in my imperfections, medical conditions, and mistakes I have made - I can always keep learning to become a better, more complete, and more humane person than I was yesterday.
The world has suffered enough hardships. Every individual out there is plagued by something of the secrets of their minds and the emotional core of their souls. Until we realize that we are as much as a contributor to the pain of others - as we are our self - by the way we talk, the tone we use, the words we speak, the emotions that produce our actions; the pain will continue. The problems will still be there even if we try to run to escape to them or avoid facing them.
Some have good intentions of what they are doing but for many others - it is like being asleep in life to go through the motions of living or surviving - without being full conscious and aware to your own possibilities and the impact of consequences we do in our individuality and what we socially produce in life. We are all factually contributors to our humanity. Some take. Some give. Some share. But each independent action affects another.
Becoming aware to all that I am and still progressing into a journey that will probably never end with complete remission of healing or recovery from these experiences of my life; has still been the final key I have found to keep unlocking safely, effectively releasing and finally saying I am accomplishing the ultimate in my life. The hope I have of my life is within and now given outward.
For this awareness of awakening progression; allows me to be as forgiving to myself as I am others. To have patience with myself as I extend to others. To never treat myself again harshly in bad or negative or hurtful thoughts, emotions and internal conscience that I would not do to another.
For in saving myself and finding what I needed within; I am gaining how to speak the universal language that others can understand and do. To share comprehension and understanding about life's greatest moments and the harshest facts of society that we share with individuals who do not reside in visual oppressions or know what economical or financial hardships are and how difficult surviving can be through abuse or trauma. How to give advice but also to take my own and eat those words I give or share for my own reminders and my daily complete soulful diet.
I share the following of facts about all that I speak. I share the facts that get produced when a person is not aware to self.
None of us are perfect. We will never be as productive, humane or as giving as we would like. We'll always have difficult people in our life. There will always be events that arise in our lives beyond our control.
But what we first perceive of life from within the core of our heart, mind, and silent thoughts and silent emotions can make the world a hopeful place worth contributing too or a horrific geography of terrible people that makes it a depressing place to be and to survive in.
Our brains allow us to communicate internally with our thoughts, emotions, and how we feel within. But until we learn that we can control these very empowering, humbling, and valuable assets within each of us - we will go along and continue to exist while only living as if we asleep with our eyes wide open and our conscious closed to the possibilities of what could be the greatest rewards waiting for us to open ourselves up to it.
Psychological - http://www.thefreedictionary.com/psychological
Of or relating to psychology
Of, relating to, or arising from the mind or emotions.
Influencing or intended to influence the mind or emotions
Of or relating to the mind or mental activity
Having no real or objective basis; arising in the mind
Affecting the mind
of, pertaining to, dealing with, or affecting the mind, esp. as a function of awareness, feeling, or motivation
Awareness - http://www.thefreedictionary.com/awareness
Having knowledge or cognizance
Vigilant; watchful.
Having knowledge of
Awareness of your own individuality
Mindfulness - http://www.thefreedictionary.com/mindfulness
Attentive; heedful:
the trait of staying aware of (paying close attention to) your responsibilities
I choose to use a bible verse for the cause and effect of what impulsiveness to defend in speaking does and produces. Good advice. To think before speaking. Direct consequences of a closed mind.
He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him. - Proverbs 18:13 -
Folly - http://www.thefreedictionary.com/folly
A lack of good sense, understanding, or foresight.
An act or instance of foolishness
A costly undertaking having an absurd or ruinous outcome.
Shame - http://www.thefreedictionary.com/shame
A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.
One that brings dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation
A great disappointment
To force by making ashamed
to activate or motivate through shame
Avoidance is the majority of advice and recommendations that medical or scientific experts tell patients to do to maintain or control their health and to keep others safe.
With diabetics, it is to avoid excess sugar intake and monitor their levels. With those who get their eyes dilated, it is to wear these dark glasses and avoid sunlight following the procedure. With many mental, psychological, and emotional medical conditions - avoidance is the primary solution they give because they want to keep a person safe but also keep the population safe from the erratic and roller coasting one may do or even experience when doing something uncomfortable to them to decrease their symptoms.
By opening a new window upon your life - instead of viewing life through the same old window - with new information to build upon the old complexities, complications or medical conditions - it may even help you so that you will no longer cling to avoidance because you can grow or mature yourself to experience a world that is beautiful indeed and worth participating and contributing in after all.
The Person You Used to Be is not the Person You Should be Today. For if you are the same today as you were years ago or even decades ago - where are your daily objectives or fulfillment coming from? Where is your personal or individual fulfillment coming from when you are alone? Where is your drive? Where is your passion? Who do you share with now in your life that was not there even a year ago? Who do miss today that is no longer there for difficult reasons or death? When the world steps aside and you are solo - are you happy? Are you sad? Are you mad? Are you so alone that it burns the veins that pushes your blood to your heart? Is it other's fault for your life? Is it your fault for your life? Only you can answer these.
Only you know the problems that plaque your heart as well as the effects upon your life. But the good news is that we all can keep progressing, moving forward and the individual change is the power we all have. We just can not give up finding the tools we need to help us so we may change to never be the Person We Used To Know but become the Person We Want To Be.
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