I have been that victim. I am currently that survivor. I have been that criminal.
With this said - I think I am educated & qualified & experienced enough through my life circumstances to speak on a topic as delicate & complicated as these three words of association are: victim - survivor & criminal & how & why they do have traits in common.
As a child abuse victim of Incest and Ritual Abuse - I was not born this way but created this way by criminals of Incest & a religious abusive family.
Before I proceed - I would like to ask you a few questions to ponder in the back of your mind while absorbing into this and then at the end of this blog post - then answer it.
You do not need to answer these questions publically nor even share your responses, unless you feel compelled to. I would appreciate your feedback but it is not required for me to do what I do in my joys of releasing in writing.
If you could go back into time to place a time number upon your years of childhood - what would this numerical value of years be for you? What would that numerical number represent of the value of your adolescence if you could put a number on it to describe, define & to share with others of your time spent from your birth until the day you were of legal consent?
Would the number be high as an approval for the blessings you had or would the number be excruciatingly low for you because of something traumatic, horrific or abusive you experienced?
NOW -what would you do with this number so other children could gain what you did or how would you increase this number for another children so their numbers wouldn't be as low as your childhood numerical values are?
Created as a victim - I was - and that status of victim has not stopped in my adult life either.
I was a victim of family abuse but also a victim of the judicial system, Department of Health & Human Services and Child Protective Agencies defective procedures and rule books they followed.
My sister & I were sexual abuse victims by our biological father. When our truth was told - family reconciliation and abuser rehabiliation is what we received as victims. This criminal was let back into our homes, lives and our family. This criminal was then compensated by DHHR for a welfare check by working at an elementary school as a janitor. My dad started sexually abusing me again. I finally told my mom who swore to me that he would never hurt me again nor any one else.
But as I grew & matured - I could not escape my own moral dilemmas of right and wrong. I could not escape the responsibility I had to protect other children from being this criminal's victim. I could not believe this family of lies.
I told a guidance counselor. When the grief began and the criminal coercion from my abusers overwhelmed me - that the law wouldn't do anything anyways to him - that I should follow their plan to recant and runaway at 14 years old. I did. I just wanted this madness of sick insanity to stop in my life.
I wanted to be free from all the coercion, pursuasion, forceful guilty & the shame they gave me for the morals I wanted have because I told a truth about a criminal in my life and how even the law was not strong enough to stop him.
I became a judicial criminal - the day that I ran away with my abusers plan- by a letter I wrote at 14 years old - because I lied under oath.
Since that day I have tried to escape the judicial process any way I can by being a lawful and lawabiding citizen but that lie will never hold me judicially credible because of something I did as a minor under distress as a silent hostage captive to my adult criminal abusers.
My truth of lying under oath has haunted me as an adult by prosecutors using this "lying" against me as an adult and used against me as damage as an adult to discredit who I am now judicially and even prevents me from serving as a juror. ALL because I was a minor held captive to criminal coercion.
All my adult life efforts as a survivor nor anything I accomplish does not matter because I have been a liar under oath.
All my adult life - I have dedicated my survival to my recovery of the tragedies committed against me by the criminals who all enabled an abuser and kept me hostage to criminals as a child and my whole youth.
I have given my whole life as a survivor to taking my negatives to grow into positives to help others victims and survivors to get the resolution, justice and peace they deserve that was stolen and criminally taken from them.
Today, I got my summons for jury duty to report December 9th, 2013.
PTSD symptoms has not been this high in me - since the day I was diagnosed with it in 2005 - when my best friend convinced me to seek help. The reminder today of my judicial crime that happened when I was a minor was as hard as it was the last time I did try to serve in 2005 but was released early from duty because of this fact upon my life.
Victims are not born victims. Victims are created by criminals.
Survivors are victims who try to get on with their life past the crimes committed against them. Survivors can only effectively do this when the fear of criminals stop invading and hindering this healing process that takes decades to recover from.
Child abuse is not a simple scratch that you can simply put a band-aid over. Child abuse is not something silent you do not speak and wish it go away. Child abuse will never stop until each survivor identifies their criminals in their case and those criminals get justice for the crimes committed against them.
The criminal in a crime of child can be as a solo direct abuser. But the criminals can also be the law, court, an entire family, associates, churches, community organizations, inappropiate aligned wheels of justice, faulty procedures, failures in protocols, and anything that hinders, restricts, or allows the opportunity for a criminal to reoffend a victim. These are also crimes and criminals who commit violations against a victim as well. My experience and my story I share are clear indicators of this and why more needs to be done to stop child abuse.
Most victims or survivors do turn to harmful self-medications and destructive ways to ease their pains or traumas. They want the physical, mental, emotional, psychological, and medical repercussions of their hurt, invisible scars, wounds and sickening memories to heal and not hurt them anymore. The effects of a crime upon a victim or a survivor do not stop when the criminal is in jail or dead or gone from their life. Depending on the criminals involved in a crime - it can go much larger and deeper to heal from as this.
I have numerous times in my adult life been discredited as a judicial witness - even in my own defense - because of one lie to the court when I was a 14 year old minor hostaged to criminal coercion. Who protected & acted upon my best interest as a minor? No one. Not even the court of law - because if they did, even now- this would be expunged from my court records never to revictimize me and hurt me now with these painful reminders of the criminal I became at 14 years old.
Most criminals are not born but created. Most criminals - if statistics were sufficient and truthful - would reveal that many were once victims or survivors who simply got tired. They got tired of trying to do the right thing in a wrong world or they got tired of repeatedly beating their head into a wall that had no solutions to ease their pains, hurts, frustrations, traumas, and invisible scars.The reality is that there is no fast solutions for some traumas and acts of criminal activity done to a person who tries to heal. Time. Patience. Understanding.
The human brain is created uniquely different and specific to each of us. The human brain grows, develops, matures and gains or loses based upon the nature and nurture of what this organ is fed, developed, nourished or deprived of as a youth and will continue to do so until the human life ceases to exist.
With survivors and victims; their brains are deprived healthy, positive, and nourishing benefits to grow and instead are fed negative, hurtful, harmful, damaging, and destructive aspects of the circumstances of their lives in which they must survive. The effects of the human brain organ can not be undone or reprogrammed or get a new operating system - once it has been compromised with the nature and nurture facts of that a person must absorb into in to ensure survival and living life.
I do not emphasize with any criminal child abuser, even though, I do know from personal experience of the survivors in my own family of those who went on to become criminals to others & why they did it. Crime is still wrong & does not give any victim or any survivor a right to choose to be a criminal.
I do not care about any criminal child abuser and feel they should all be put to death. Death is the only solution for criminals who abuse children. That's the only way to stop it. That's the only way to ensure that a child's life can have a fair chance and for a child victim's brain to safely attempt to be restored to a pre-crime state and even then, it may not work.
But for survivors who struggle every day and victims - it is worth a lifetime effort to them to try. I feel the only way to stop a criminal or prevent a criminal from harming you & to defend yourself against a criminal is to become one. That's my solution in teaching others how to learn and gain skills to use to protect yourself from criminals.
Words can be as prevention and protection to stop a criminal and quit enabling their crimes. Knowing a criminal's symptoms and signs and their manipulation techniques can not stop them to help their victims. Knowing the silence that harbors a criminal - stops them by stopping that silence no matter who that criminal maybe or where they are located or the roles they do.
My case, chapter, and book will never be ended. The medical baggage of scars - I have in my body and my brain that has forever been altered in my 5 senses and internal being and memories are too extensive to mend in a fast solution. The layers are exhausting as they are numerous, confusing, and emotionally difficult.
Now I ask you in closing once again, what number would you place upon the years of your childhood and adolescence and all that happened to you? What does this number of youthhood evaluation say about you & to you? NOW What will you do now to ensure growth of high number evaluations for other children OR what will you do to ensure that no child endures the same devastating low number of value you placed upon your own youthful evaluation?
I use to say 18 years would have been sufficient for me if my abuser got this. 18 years would have given me a life who was free the stressors of being a hostage in an abusive life. That if my abuser served 18 years instead of the 5 that he did get - that I would be OK. No, I would not.
There were too many abusers that committed crimes against me. The laws, the legal policies of Child Protective Services, the enabling of Department of Health and Human Resources who revictimized me and those who knew of his previous victims and none came forward.
Now I say LIFE would be the justice I would give. Whatever the statistics say is the general American life worth - so should child abusers directly get as punishment or death depending on how many victims they abused. I won't rest nor shut up until my story is shared with every judicial office, child protective organization and elected politician that will hear me. I can't.
I have been that victim that had no one. Not one single soul or person to trust in or believe in to help me to stop my abuser. I have been that survivor who speaks such a passionate and compassionate voice that most do not begin to comprehend the depths of lonliness, hardships, social isolation, verbal whiplash, and a war of right and wrong that even exist.
I have been that criminal before I even knew that I was one - because criminals and criminal actions created me to be just as they were by lying to the law & court officials on a letter I wrote at 14 years old. For the rest of my life and judicially - they will never forget and neither will they let me forget either.
Until there are no more victims and no more survivors crying alone and in fear. I can not be silent. I will always be against the criminals who keep creating victims and hindering survivors to get help, heal and recover in a world that is safe where right will truly be accountable to right and all wrongs will be prosecuted, punished, and help captive for the wrong they do too.
Many call me the crazy one but you know what - for me to be so crazy ~ where's my list of prescription medications to cope? Where is my substance abuse of illegal drugs or self-harming techniques I use to cope? Where is the visible self-harming battle scars upon my exterior presence? There is none.
Do you know why? Because I believe in facing these nasty truths and facing them head on. Titles, roles, occupations, and lifestyle differences or cultures do not scare me nor can hurt me. The truth has freed me and kept me alive & as healthy as I can be with all that has been done to me and until others can realize it can be done and safely be accomplished - society will still link victims, survivors and criminals in one category - when in fact - these three words should never be linked together again - if we would do more to increase prevention - do more to talk about these 3 affiliations & do more to those criminals who commit crimes to receive their punishment for the crimes they commit.
But I am guess - in reality - I am just an under-medicated dreamer who speaks a language of a life that is as foreign to the obvious as it is to the mirror of disillusions called "normal." For it is easier to believe in the fantasty of illusion instead of the facts of reality - huh? & Others dare say I have the problem~ yeah right ~ I say I know better & I am not the one with the problem of accepting the truth for what it is but I am the only one doing something about the wrongs of it all too! If it makes me unacceptable and delusional to most then so be it - I accept this too & go on doing what I do to stop these insane madness!
No comments:
Post a Comment