A Person I Use to Know realizes real quick in life's motion that Time will Never Be on Their Side. I don't many people who would ever agree that Time is on their side & plentiful enough. It sure isn't for me and never was.
I realized after many trials and errors & mistakes and corrections that time is the ultimate illusion that we are powerless to control - powerless to consume & completely helpless to tame as we want.
Time is the greatest asset we have. When a person is compassionate and dedicated into something that they enjoy or embrace - time doesn't stop them nor halt them.
But even in the time spent on qualities of compassion & joys - someone else in our life is losing the values of our time. They can not nor will celebrate our passion because we lost the focus of time priority & got entranced into this time illusion that there will always be a tomorrow or we can make it up to others when we get consumed in something we love to do versus loving those who are the closest to us.
If I have any regrets about life and what I have done as A Person I Use to Know it would be more careful of picking and choosing the time I spent and how I spent it.
Did I mention I have a daughter? No. Not yet - as this blog is still coming of age & evolving daily itself. But I do have a beautiful daughter who is my world.
She's the reason I found strength when I had none. She's my bravery that allowed me to move forward past my own fears or reservations to work and accomplish many things to help her.
There is none closer to me that has suffered my fallacies of being her mother who didn't give her enough time as I should have - than my daughter. The years I have spent time with her that was the greatest was the years when she was little that she doesn't remember easily.
She sees the home videos and the pictures of our fun and celebration when she a toddler through her elementary school days but as far as being emotionally connected to those memories, she isn't.
This is normal child development and nothing personal against me or her memory for not remembering everything as fondly as I do. But it has caused many issues because the years she needed me most to be there for her - I wasn't. I had to work. She needed neccessities for school and money for luxuries and to give her a better financial life than I even knew.
As she is aging now from her immature and lacking understand teenage ways - she is beginning to comprehend the hard realities of being an adult and what it means to be a parent or an adult in this economy and how important education truly is. I never had the support she did. I never got those precious lessons of what a mother does for her children except what I learned along the way on my own and from very strong, honest, truthful and loving strong women around me that I became friends with while working.
But the years I lost to working; I could not be there for her & but I gave her wonderful & great memories we did share together. But none would have happened had I not worked. But I can not help but to get caught up in the thoughts of the "What Might Have Been" or "What Could Have Been" had I not had to work and could have been afforded to stay with her instead. But no since in crying over or grieving what done is done now. I know I did the best I could.
Even looking into my daughter's beautiful eyes now - I see A Person I Use to Know as well. From the most precious little girl that use to cling to me - so close that I never thought we'd ever argue when she became a teenager to the same maturing girl who stands before me now - as her own individual person of her likes, dislikes, wants, hopes, and dreams that are different yet similiar to my own goals for her - I couldn't love anyone more or feel as grateful for the opportunities of the hits and misses I got to share and enjoy with my daughter.
I respect her enough now to let her go by lifting tight limits upon her to trusting her with freedom, an inch at a time, to help her grow. Trust her & hope she does not make serious mistakes. Trust her enough to let her make her own mistakes using patience with her and tolerance for her decisions and letting her accept the consequences as they come along.
It's not easy to see how our mother and daughter relationship is now taking new form from the little girl who wanted to be stuck by me like glue to the lady she is becoming to come to me more as her friend or confide that reassures me that she is alright and when she is not; she still tells me and talks to me.
I look forward to the day that the pressures of motherhood eases upon me and the friendship of our new family can grow. I look forward to this very much as I have heard other mother's beam upon this day of arrival for her daughter and her self and I can't wait until that time occurs for us too:)
Life is not easy for no one. Especially when understanding and patience are not at the forefront of every relationship you have and hope to retain. Nor is life always truthful and without pain. Nor is every day a day of dread and misery either.
Life keeps giving a present gift. What we choose to do with that gift or not - is left truly to each individual to define and act upon. But what we do to uplift ourselves and others can make the difference of some one reaching tomorrow including our self too.
I live for each new tomorrow. I accept and understand and am very patient with myself and others. I have to be. I choose to be. I have been to the pits of darkness that criminals put victims into. I have surfaced to the light of the best life has to give, share and offer in my survivals.
I realize that my scars are medically tattooed inside my body and brain and that it will take decades and years more to heal from. So when a today is not the present I want - I wait patiently to live for the tomorrow that hopefully will be a medically symptom better day.
Sometimes it is. Sometimes it is. But it is what is. As long as I never lose focus on tomorrow and do all I can today so it won't be harder or worse than it already is - I always have something to look forward too ~ that I can hold onto.
A Person I Use to Know really does live, reside, breath, survive and thrive in each of us individually. What we decide to with the old of ourselves to the new we have to become or were forced to be - is a gift to self when we accept this, cope healthy through this and seek to move forward in this.
I'll always have spells of grief that compel me to tears of the things I use to be able to do versus what I can not do now - but I'll always be more grateful for the chance to dance and embrace every beautiful memory that goes with it than ever cursing that in which I can not do any longer.
Sometimes, the most humbling of tears to be felt are not the life we missed that we wish we had again but knowing how special something or someone was that we had to let off go ~ that will never be ~ but had it not been for those precious seconds - we'd never knew how much we could love,live, enjoy, share, and give to recieve with others either~
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