Introduction

I have dabbled in word creations as far back as my memory allows. From being a little girl who barely knew her English alphabet to scribbling poetry or assembling lyrics & chords in a song. 

But due to the adult circumstances of my life now & medical mysteries ~ I was informed to stop publically writing, sharing, & quit this word dabbling of rambling, gambling & sharing that I enjoy to do so much. Medically - my therapist & doctors advised me not to write so much so my brain doesn't get caught up emotionally or mentally into increasing my own symptoms I have to contend with already & my lawyer advised me against it too. But the way I figure it - if it helps me & has the potential to assist others - what does it hurt especially when I get joy to be heard, even if only by one person, or to let others know they are not alone - I have nothing to lose or nothing ever to gain if I do not try at what I enjoy.

Medically - I will share my symptoms that leave me daily vulnerable & suspectible to emotional & mental thought overloads - so others who feel they are medically alone will hopefully realize they are not. 

I also share to enlighten others of new vocabulary words that may even spark their own research to grow a few constructive brain cells of understanding & awareness about lives that are different than their own. 

Mostly, I will share my daily medical struggles for my own release as a coping mechanism by writing & sharing too. This is my therapy. Thank you for reading & listening:) I hope something helps to grow your life too.

At times, it is so much easier to sit in a silent bubble to prevent  increasing or over motivating my mental, emotional & thought processings 'cause my brain is surely like no other. But a bubble is the last place I ever want to be in. Even when others advise me to be or it could help me - I don't like bubbles of silence. I don't like being isolated & with the Internet I don't have to be. None of us have to be~

My brain never shuts up even when I try to sleep. I have came up with some fairly constructive & useful ideas in years past that benefited many. If I were a selfishly motivated person - I'd done been a rich woman by now - but the value & treasures I seek & have sought & given in life are things that money nor materials can fulfil in a person nor give as gifts that monetary price can be placed.

I have seizures. I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have Trichiasis. I am Bipolar. I have bone bunions and bone spurs on both of my feet that require a surgery I can not afford. I can not afford to get adequate, sufficient and proper treament for my other medical conditions - even though by American definition - I am covered by adequate health insurance coverage through my spouse's employment but it does nothing to help cover the cash costs of expense that the co-pays and standard deductibles that must be paid before services can be rendered. I guess it's a loophole and Catch 22 of everything else in America nowadays.

If I had to keep a daily log of which symptoms are the worst daily or which symptoms by what medical condition complicates & restricts my life the most - I could not. 

& the more I age in my 3 and half decade of life - the more I am aware how one condition affects the others. IF stress could & does kill - I am sure my life expectancy will be a short one due to the stressors of my life that have contributed to these complex, mysterious & long term ramificiations of the survival of stress I have had in my life.

As a sexual child abuse survivor and overcoming the unraveling damages of religious Ritual Abuse my abusers used to cover up the crimes done to me - it's not been an easy recovery to healing & honestly - it is a very lonely journey that has altered me from the simple happiness that others appreciate socially. 

It's made me a very defensive Mother Hen - in a sense - to be a hard sale on things that matter  where other place priority of things less important. 

I feel like I can make every wrong done to someone that produces them pain to make it right or better in their life & it's not always so. 

I have created many enemies by being truthful and bluntly honest and going above and beyond for them but the reality is - it was not my place. They have control over their life and how they deal with it & even with good intentions - we can never force our good upon others no matter how hard we try. 

Sometimes, the only solution is to leave them & let them be to the choices they choose; even if they only continue to hurt them self. The problems is theirs to solve just as yours is yours or mine is mine~ 

We can hold the hands & hearts of those we love in faith even when - we can not stand by to support them in their self destructions. You can try to help a person once but when they reject you time and time again & blame you - then it's time to move on. For the real blame and fault does not exist because of you - it is there views of who they are. Respectfully exit your self from their life and move on. You do deserve better and only they can accept they deserve better when they are ready to accept the issues and problems they have to solve them self.

All of phrases or words I have ever heard that apply to me accordingto others verbal description about me is: "A Person I Use to Know." What happened to the submissive, quiet girl you use to be? What happened to the employed lady that use to hold down a job & multi-task successfully above all others? What happened to that woman who would never take No for answer or give a No answer? What happened to that fun person you use to be? What happened to the focus of life you use to have? Why have you now slowed down & given up? Why have you altered your lifestyle so much now?

All questions I have been asked or told too by others who whisper behind my back. But here's the simple answer - I can explain it to you but I can not understand it for you. OR - I am the same person I always was but my suitability for your lifestyle is not the same objectives anymore & my priorities have to be placed elsewhere to sustain, retain & survive the medical life I was dealt.

I am have been pursuing a lengthy and horrible process to obtain Social Security Benefits for my disabilities that leave me so infrequent to daily routine that very few understand it. 

Even with medical documentation - my negatives of my medical conditions have effectively and were productive with positive results for the years I was employed and did work. If I could work safely & was able to work & drive safely - I'd be out there every single day to never complain about being on a time clock or being able to drive in all kinds of wonderful weather experiences again & make peace with the highway again that I will now never have again. But I am still lucky. 

I still feel even with the hardship of waiting upon a judge to critize & critique my positive experiences and negative symptoms & the complex of mysteries in between - I am grateful I got to live the life I have thus far with or without their immediate approval or denial. I find my life as a blessing to have people question the Person I Use to Be. It was because of that person I use to be that I was able to know & grow & mature & meet so many wonderful people. It will because of my ability to know & mature & grow my own medical future that I will be able to overcome & constantly adapt to come what may. Not everyone is so fortune to appreciate the values of hardships and blessings. I am one of those weird & few individuals that can.

Though they may not be around anymore in my life - the good & bad of those people who helped me or hurt me all taught me valuable lessons of what to do & not to do - in my own life. The hardships gave me lessons of my own poor judgments I have made but mistakes of others taught me what I never wanted to choose to be too.

It is the greatest experiences of my memories that I do grieve now from to time. Not because I never got to experience but because I know it is gone now. I still value the experience & chance I had to live it so even in tears of grief I still shed and hug the happiness. What kind of life do you have to have that will allow you to embrace your grieving tears and happy tears - both at the same time - while fueling the life you are dealt now?

The biggest approval or denial that comes with seeking any disability of medical conditions is that the judges must believe you won't live to see your retirement age or that your medical conditions will end in death.

I have had a seizure in the bath tub while bathing with my daughter when she was 2 1/2 years old. I felt I was dying the first time I had a seizure that produced that first 5-15 seconds praying & crying to God in silent tears while in the bathroom at work feeling as if my internal soul was dying with the scariest sensations a human body could endure & to this day when those auras hit - I still feel as death is knocking on my door to claim me. 

I awoke in a dazed, confused, big pump knot on my head from hitting the sink & the familiar awareness that was restored after a convulsion strikes me that made me realize that I wasn't dying but actually getting blessed with these scary, seizure auras sensations so I could stop what I was doing. Now when I feel one coming on - I drop to the floor, lay on my side & wait until the unaware seizure convulsion consumes to darkness of life non-existing for me. 

Even though, 5-15 seconds doesn't sound like a miracle to anyone who lacks understanding - it is a life saver for someone who has unconscious convulsions. Seizures are scary. Seizures deplete your energy and increase pain in your body from all your muscles, nerves, and brain overloading that leaves you in days of recovery. When I was in my 20s, I'd bounce back after a few days after a convulsion if I had no other injuries with falls that occurred because of a seizure. But now, I feel like I am 60 or 70 years old after a seizure. The physical pain is harder to tolerate and takes longer for my body and brain to heal and recouperate from. Seizures are not for the weak but I believe for the strong of the strongest. 

We are the visual fears that others talk about when they are scared of when they do not know about seizures. But it gets others to talking & hopefully get us closer to one day of breaking stigmas associated with seizures.

We are the awareness builders or education growers of this medical condition. We do not speak of our seizures as vanity nor to gain sympathy but we know the struggles that others who have seizures have to overcome to heal and break stigmas. So we talk about it because we have no choice but to learn, be safe, and get educated about it to give us a half of a chance of a semi-normal life like anyone else who is not afflicted by medical conditions. I have found by talking about my seizures, symptoms, auras and explaining to others that the positive responses I have gained have far exceeded the negative, rude or ignorant comments of those who simply refuse to understand.

It is through pain that we truly gain knowledge. We find the origin of our pain. We seek to understand where the pain came from - why the pain exists - what increases this said pain. Pain is negatively viewed by most - when in fact - pain should be used as our personal motivator to overcome the hardships we face to create something positive from it. Pain should not be given but used as a tool to prevent pain from happening in another human being.

My DNA that runs through my veins is compromised by medical circumstance of Bipolar and seizures. My PTSD was a direct result of the trauma & DNA abuse I endured. The linkage of criminals and criminal activity in my DNA is sad and tragic. For decades, these criminals abused, beat, violated, manipulated and lied their way into reproducing pain down the line. Instead of anyone stopping it or standing up & saying they would use their pain to make certain it would not fall upon another - most didn't. Denial. Lies. Secrets. Became their bonding element as DNA family.

I choose not to do that. I choose to stand alone even if I had to in order for my own survival and better quality of life but also to grow understanding, awareness, compassion and heart in a world I was born into that had none of these qualities. It's made me a very bitter person at times that has led me to learn more patience, tolerance and understanding of my own to grow. But I have far exceeded my own expectations of my own life as well helping many others along the way.

Bipolar is an instable chemical processing of the brain. It is a roller coaster. When chemical surges increases or decreases - I am at mercy of these symptoms and submission. It takes all I have in me not to jump off the cliff of impulsions with hypomania or to slice my wrists when depressions plummets me so low that I don't care to live or die anymore. 

I cry. I write. I sew. I listen to songs that let me release the emotional and chemical surges of Bipolar. I use no prescription medications and never have because the side effects of pills has always created more instability than what I already have. I can not drive when I want. I can not get quality of rest when I want. My vision does not give the same clarity and focus that others do. For tears & sleep deprivation even deprive my eyes of having a hope for consistent quality every day. I spend more & more time typing and writing with my eyes closed than I do open these days.

I often get mocked in humor as laughter does help as a coping skill to ease the burdens of complications as these medical conditions give together. I look too normal to be this sick. OR there's nothing wrong with you 'cause you look fine. You are just whining, faking, or seeking attention is all. No. I only wish others could feel for two days what my internal body and brain go through. It would take 2 days honestly so another could feel the lack of routine that even my own internals does not have.

But even in laughter & laughing with others about my different symptoms - it opens the communication for constructive talking of the seriousness of these conditions. We all have to find that healthy dose of coping with medical symptoms and laughter is a life line in itself. If laughter does make a person healthy then I am the healthiest person I truly do know! 

In reality - it's not that simple to just change external or internal skins or emotions. I wish it were. The compassion and passion that we could give & gain would completely begin the potential for a human race waiting to be achieved that we still haven't got yet nor probably ever will.

We are natured and nurtured differently. The same sunset that rises and sets in your life does not rise and set in the same manner geographically as mine & even as that skyline is different - so are each of us. 

I know how to open my mind up & my heart to allow others in & to share freely until a person breaks my trust but not many others are so open to heartache as such. It takes having heartaches of pain to learn valuable lessons and appreciation for life as much as it does in having financial and economical blessings too. We all have potential to be so much more as individuals and as participants in the human race.

I'll never regret nor grieve a lifetime for the Person I Use to Know or what others remember me by. Neither should you. Time evolves us. Time never slows down & we shouldn't either. 

Even if we have to do differently today than we did yesterday - we owe enough to life & respect for ourself to do whatever we must & what we have to survive to live another day. 

Other's journeys & struggles are more difficult & harder to understand than some. But it does not take away the truth - that one day - we all must face medical uncertainties that we did not ask for nor those medical condtions that we can not control. 

To medically continue in this life - without regards to age or gender or cultures; one must never remain that Person You Use to Know. To do so, not only continues to compromise who you are & what you must accept your self to be but you also deny yourself the medical potential of strengths you have to achieve and the new friends that are waiting for you to meet because one medical factor interrupted your life will actually give you a new life indeed.

Life isn't easy. Life will be fair to no one. But at the end of each day - be positive. Be thankful. Be grateful and be thankful. We can not change the past. We can only accept it and acknowledge it. Cope through it as healthy as we can and move on. 

The future journey has not been written and you have to control today what you choose with what you are dealt. I choose to follow my intution to create & start blogging again. This is as much for myself as it is to help others too. Even if we feel, that when we speak - no one is listening - think again -some one always is & even when it matters not to one person - it could mean life or death to someone else --- so just go for it:) I am going for it as the Person I Use to Know in myself but the person I am becoming too~ I hope you too.